Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Grief... it kinda creeps up on you

We all know that trials are a part of life, but they are such a challenge as you walk through them.  James 1 reminds us to "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have is perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

One of the darkest times in my life also produced some of my deepest times of reliance on the Lord.  It was seven years ago when my mom's renal failure and mental illness collided into the hardest year of my life.  She eventually passed away in November 2007 and I was left with so many conflicting emotions... from immense grief, to relief, and guilt, as well as joy in remembering the many great memories and a mom who taught me what it means to selflessly serve others.

After seven years, the grief does not consume me the way it once did, but grief has a funny way of creeping up on you when you least expect it.  It has been normal to occasionally experience the sting of sadness when something reminds me how much I miss her or laugh a little when we bump into a funny memory.  Although, I did not realize how much the adoption process would stir up this grief.

This process has so many highs and lows.  I have really struggled with wishing she was here as we are walk through this.  I wish she was here to share in the joys and excitement.  I wish she was here to listen when days are hard.  I wish she was here to help me put the baby's room together and to sew our baby bedding like we sewed so many other pieces in our home.  Most of all I wish she was here to be the Grandy our children will only know through pictures.
Christmas circa 2004 

Nana, Mom, and Me 
Bridal shower at Coker Elementary
Spring 2006

June 17, 2006 

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