Friday, February 17, 2012

Update: Some Highs and Lows

The past month has held some of our highest highs and lowest lows; Although, I can say that the Lord is faithful through the good and the bad.  

As many of you know, we started the adoption process in January. I can't even describe the excitment we felt. Then a few days later we found out that we were pregnant.  I was amazed. My blood work came back with glowing reports from our doctor, which was really exciting since I had a miscarriage about 2 years ago. I felt beyond blessed.  

One month ago, we found out about this precious little life growing inside me.  Later that same week we began to have complications with the pregnancy. My super-great hormone levels dropped about 20 points.  That may not sound like a big deal, but it is. Our doctor explained that when your levels decline -even a little- it means the baby is not thriving. However, my doctor was not ready to give up or believe the pregnancy was ending, so he wanted to check my levels again on Monday.  That was one of the longest, most desperate weekends of my life. Our levels should have been doubling, not declining. But we were hopeful, we began to pray fervently for a miracle.  At first I felt pretty hopeless, but then God began to restore my hope. By Monday I believed that our baby would live.  I began to let myself think again about how our life would change sometime in September.  Monday I received some amazing news.  My levels had almost tripled! It was a miracle! My doctor could attribute it to nothing less. We knew the power of prayer had made the difference. 

On Wednesday, my doctor had me come back in to check my levels again. This time my levels did not double.  They went from about 520 to 720. My doctor said it wasn't enough. He said we were having a miscarriage. I was not ready to hear this. My doctor was ready to do a D&C because he was a concerned that my pregnancy was ectopic, which could obviously be dangerous for me. I was not ready to do the D&C because my levels were still rising a little However, my comfort lied in the fact that my doctor is also a believer, so I knew that he would save my baby at all costs. We soon learned that just wasn't possible. 

The following day we arrived at his office to have an ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed that there was no sac growing in my uterus.  It was still a little to early to actually see the baby, but my doctor said we would be able to see the sac if the baby were developing properly. There was no sac.  We discussed our options and risks.  We decided to do one more blood test the following morning and if my levels had stopped rising, then I would have the D&C on Friday.  We went home Thursday night and prayed that our numbers would be conclusive in the morning. 

Later that night, we went out to eat and I began to have cramps.  As we arrived home my pain became much worse, so DJ called the dr. He sent us to the ER (Still concerned with the possibility of a tubal pregnancy).

 That night my doctor decided it would be best if I checked into the hospital.  They did another ultrasound revealing again that the baby was not growing properly.  In the morning, we found out that my pregnancy hormone levels had stopped rising.  These were the conclusive results we needed to help us make our decision.  Later that day, I underwent anesthesia and had the D&C.  The last time we went through this, I cane out of anesthesia easily and went home only a few hours after the surgery; however this time, when I awoke I had some trouble coming out of the anesthesia.   They required me to hold down some food before I would be allowed to go home and that just wasn't happening.  Finally at 9 pm I was able to finish my meal, prove that I could walk without dizziness, and we were allowed to go home. 

I spent the next few days in bed recovering both emotionally and physically, although the emotional healing will take much longer.  Finally on Tuesday, I knew that I needed to make my way back to work and attempt a "normal" day.  I do did not want to get out of bed that day, but I forced myself to head to school because I knew I needed it.  I was so right.  That day when I got home, my sweet husband had relief on his face. He said that I had my coloring back and also my smile. There is something about 22 eight year olds that can remind me that God still has a purpose for my life.

At this moment, we are just taking it day by day. We know that we will continue the adoption process (probably soon) but at this moment we just aren't ready to work on the paperwork. I know that God is mending our hearts and we are just trusting Him through this. I knew that I needed to post this because so many people are asking about how the process is going and I never really know how to respond. A few times I have just said that we haven't finished the paperwork yet, and other times I share our story, but that can be a little awkward for the person who doesn't know what to say. People often look like a deer in the headlights when I tell them what happened. I'm not intending to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but I also want to be real and transparent about what the Lord is doing in our lives. When people ask how I'm doing I really don't know what to say. Somedays I say "good" and other days I say "ok." But if I'm honest, I would say this is really hard and we are grieving; although that is not to say that we aren't ok. We are completely blessed and we know that God has big plans for our lives. Thanks for praying for us as we grieve, rejoice, and heal. He will bring us through. I will keep you posted when we get back to truckloads of adoption paperwork.


Monday, January 16, 2012

Our Exciting New Adventure!

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5he predestined usfor adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.
Ephesians 1:3-6

We have begun an exciting journey and I can't wait to share it with you!  This weekend we attended our adoption orientation with Christian Homes.  I cannot even describe what an incredible experience this was.  The weekend was spent learning all the details of adoption (and wow! There are a lot of details!).  We went home after day number 1 a little overwhelmed by the details and especially the cost, but also so excited.  

I was fascinated to learn about a newer trend in open adoption. They told us that many people may offer us many opinions about why they don't think open adoption is good idea.  However, we learned how open adoption is actually the best possible scenario.  Through open adoption the birth mother actually chooses us. She chooses us because she loves her baby so much that she wants to give him what she knows she cannot and because she chose us she would never consider trying to steal her baby back (as some might think would be a risk of open adoption).  We learned that open adoption is now the most "normal" and common practice within adoption. 

On day 2 we were able to participate in a question and answer time with adoptees, birth moms, and adoptive parents.  The  time spent with the adoptive parents gave us such a peace and allowed us to walk away knowing the Lord would provide.  The couples were so open and honest and shared their fears during the whole process.  This spoke so much to our hearts because we shared so many of the same fears.  The best part was as one couple shared about the financial aspect of adoption. They told us how they wondered how they could ever adopt after they learned of the huge costs involved (which is one of our huge fears).  But then they shared how their friends and family were more than excited to support them through this process.  They said that in the end, they had to say, "we have enough, we don't need any more."  How incredible is that?!  I shared this with my father and I think he was overwhelmed by the whole cost.  I'm not sure that he is confident that fundraising portion will work out well, but I have such a peace about it and I cannot wait to share with him about the Lord's faithfulness.  I am confident that he will provide.  

I felt so much peace when they shared how it's in our human nature to think we must "pay" for our baby by ourselves, but then he told us how allowing others to walk along side of us through this process is a blessing to them.  We heard time and time again how we need to allow others to give and how this is what they want to do.  This calmed my heart so much.  

We are now working on our 100 page application on the iadopt jump drive.  We each have to write our own autobiographies and then together we will create our birth mother letter, and finally our photo album for the birthmothers to use as they make their choices.  Tomorrow is my first class as a college instructor and I have a few things to finish for my first class, but all I want to do is work on our application! We are so excited!  The most exciting part was when they told us that the average family is able to meet their baby in LESS THAN A YEAR!!!  That is wild!  This time next year life could be very different!  We will keep you updated on the process.  Thanks for joining us in prayer as we walk this exciting journey!