Friday, February 17, 2012

Update: Some Highs and Lows

The past month has held some of our highest highs and lowest lows; Although, I can say that the Lord is faithful through the good and the bad.  

As many of you know, we started the adoption process in January. I can't even describe the excitment we felt. Then a few days later we found out that we were pregnant.  I was amazed. My blood work came back with glowing reports from our doctor, which was really exciting since I had a miscarriage about 2 years ago. I felt beyond blessed.  

One month ago, we found out about this precious little life growing inside me.  Later that same week we began to have complications with the pregnancy. My super-great hormone levels dropped about 20 points.  That may not sound like a big deal, but it is. Our doctor explained that when your levels decline -even a little- it means the baby is not thriving. However, my doctor was not ready to give up or believe the pregnancy was ending, so he wanted to check my levels again on Monday.  That was one of the longest, most desperate weekends of my life. Our levels should have been doubling, not declining. But we were hopeful, we began to pray fervently for a miracle.  At first I felt pretty hopeless, but then God began to restore my hope. By Monday I believed that our baby would live.  I began to let myself think again about how our life would change sometime in September.  Monday I received some amazing news.  My levels had almost tripled! It was a miracle! My doctor could attribute it to nothing less. We knew the power of prayer had made the difference. 

On Wednesday, my doctor had me come back in to check my levels again. This time my levels did not double.  They went from about 520 to 720. My doctor said it wasn't enough. He said we were having a miscarriage. I was not ready to hear this. My doctor was ready to do a D&C because he was a concerned that my pregnancy was ectopic, which could obviously be dangerous for me. I was not ready to do the D&C because my levels were still rising a little However, my comfort lied in the fact that my doctor is also a believer, so I knew that he would save my baby at all costs. We soon learned that just wasn't possible. 

The following day we arrived at his office to have an ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed that there was no sac growing in my uterus.  It was still a little to early to actually see the baby, but my doctor said we would be able to see the sac if the baby were developing properly. There was no sac.  We discussed our options and risks.  We decided to do one more blood test the following morning and if my levels had stopped rising, then I would have the D&C on Friday.  We went home Thursday night and prayed that our numbers would be conclusive in the morning. 

Later that night, we went out to eat and I began to have cramps.  As we arrived home my pain became much worse, so DJ called the dr. He sent us to the ER (Still concerned with the possibility of a tubal pregnancy).

 That night my doctor decided it would be best if I checked into the hospital.  They did another ultrasound revealing again that the baby was not growing properly.  In the morning, we found out that my pregnancy hormone levels had stopped rising.  These were the conclusive results we needed to help us make our decision.  Later that day, I underwent anesthesia and had the D&C.  The last time we went through this, I cane out of anesthesia easily and went home only a few hours after the surgery; however this time, when I awoke I had some trouble coming out of the anesthesia.   They required me to hold down some food before I would be allowed to go home and that just wasn't happening.  Finally at 9 pm I was able to finish my meal, prove that I could walk without dizziness, and we were allowed to go home. 

I spent the next few days in bed recovering both emotionally and physically, although the emotional healing will take much longer.  Finally on Tuesday, I knew that I needed to make my way back to work and attempt a "normal" day.  I do did not want to get out of bed that day, but I forced myself to head to school because I knew I needed it.  I was so right.  That day when I got home, my sweet husband had relief on his face. He said that I had my coloring back and also my smile. There is something about 22 eight year olds that can remind me that God still has a purpose for my life.

At this moment, we are just taking it day by day. We know that we will continue the adoption process (probably soon) but at this moment we just aren't ready to work on the paperwork. I know that God is mending our hearts and we are just trusting Him through this. I knew that I needed to post this because so many people are asking about how the process is going and I never really know how to respond. A few times I have just said that we haven't finished the paperwork yet, and other times I share our story, but that can be a little awkward for the person who doesn't know what to say. People often look like a deer in the headlights when I tell them what happened. I'm not intending to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but I also want to be real and transparent about what the Lord is doing in our lives. When people ask how I'm doing I really don't know what to say. Somedays I say "good" and other days I say "ok." But if I'm honest, I would say this is really hard and we are grieving; although that is not to say that we aren't ok. We are completely blessed and we know that God has big plans for our lives. Thanks for praying for us as we grieve, rejoice, and heal. He will bring us through. I will keep you posted when we get back to truckloads of adoption paperwork.