Saturday, August 28, 2010

Perfectionism... Where did you come from?!

I sit listening to my husband make sweet sleep sounds (that's what we call it in my house... ). I am not sure where to start because it has been so long since I have blogged. This has been a season of challenges for me. Satan is telling me that I am failing in so many ways and he is hitting me with lies about how I need to work towards perfection. Why am I struggling with perfectionism?! I have never struggled with this in my life! I have always been more of an underachiever... (As a kid, I was content not studying and making the B. Sometimes I wonder what I could have done had I actually applied myself!)

I am feeling overwhelmed with life... like I have too many irons in the fire, but I am not sure what I can cut out. My first desire is to take care of my home and glorify the Lord as a wife. It is in these areas especially that I am really beating myself up, as if I can't quite reach perfection. The dog hair is driving me crazy, but I just can't find the time to vacuum daily, like I need to with a long haired dog in the summer...this seems so trivial, but it is just one of the little things driving me crazy!

In addition, I am overwhelmed with the desire to be an amazing teacher (which is a daunting task at best). Grad school has been an awesome learning opportunity, but I often find myself feeling inadequate in the impossible task of teaching. I say impossible because to be the teacher I want to be requires countless extra hours of work, but my desire to put my home first directly conflicts these crazy hours.

In addition, I am so close to finishing my second masters, but sometimes wonder if it is worth it.

We also love our church and the service God has called us to there. College ministry is definitely very stretching for me, but I know that God has called us there for a purpose. I love serving in the preschool ministry as well, but sometimes wonder if I haven't stretched myself too thin.

All this to say that I am working on organizing my time so that I can be a better steward of the things of which the Lord has entrusted me. It seems that the theme of my life is always reliance on the Lord. For years, when people ask, "What is the Lord teaching you right now?"... my answer continues to be "to rely on Him." I HAVE to rely on Him COMPLETELY in order to make it through this life. I must trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I just wish that I would learn this lesson and apply it ALL the time so that I can be all that He desires.


  1. "Delight thyself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." It sounds like your desires are God's desires. The closer you get to Him I know He will make your paths straight. Lots of love and prayers.

  2. Thank you for sharing. Praise Him that He never stops working on us.